


Come On To Me

by shessocold



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Attempted Seduction, Best Friends, Bisexuality, Coming Out, Drinking & Talking, Getting Together, Happy Ending, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Hogwarts, Jealousy, Lots of it, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), Misunderstandings, Reminiscing, Secret Crush, Secrets, Teenagers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-17
Updated: 2019-07-17
Packaged: 2020-06-30 01:02:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19842274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shessocold/pseuds/shessocold
Summary: Sirius needs to know for sure.





	Come On To Me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bshiat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bshiat/gifts).



It’s not as if Sirius _planned_ the whole thing — it just so happens that Peter is off sick on the first full moon of the school year, which means that there are only two of them left to share the bottle of Firewhisky that Sirius smuggled in for, er, emergencies. Not that this counts as an emergency, strictly speaking. But it’s been weeks, and the uncertainty is driving him insane.

“So,” he begins, as soon as James takes off his glasses (a surefire sign that he’s suitably sloshed). “How was your summer? Anything memorable happen?” 

James blinks vaguely in Sirius’ general direction. 

“What are you on about, mate?” he says, not unreasonably. “We’ve been back at school for ages. We’ve already discussed the holidays.” 

Sirius fakes a chuckle. 

“Yeah,” he says, topping off James’ goblet. “But I figured that there might be stuff that you wouldn’t necessarily feel like bragging about on the train.” 

“Huh, like what?” 

James’ tone is skeptical, and — Sirius has to concede — rightly so. This is the same bloke that once regaled the whole Gryffindor common room with an impressively detailed tale of blocking a toilet over Easter break, and he’s making it sound like he’s some blushing first year. He decides to drop all pretences. 

“You know, girls,” he says, trying to sound casual. “Your letter said that you and Moony were hitting it off with a couple of girls from the village, so I wondered if…” 

James grins into his goblet. 

“Oh, _that_ ,” he says, his naked eyes gazing wistfully in the distance. “Believe me, if anything worth reporting had happened on that front you would have known. Everyone we know would have known. I would have bought a page in the Prophet.” 

“Oh, OK,” says Sirius, feeling like a huge weight has been lifted off his chest. “I mean, er, that’s too bad. They don’t know what they’re missing — you and Moony, Britain’s finest…” 

James shakes his head. 

“Moony actually _did_ manage to make some progress,” he says, swallowing the last of his liquor. “His bird was more, well, more into it than mine was.” 

“How brilliant for him,” says Sirius, gripping the Firewhisky bottle so tightly that he’s surprised it doesn’t shatter. 

_Of course Remus’ girl would be more into-_

James snorts. 

“Don’t worry, Sirius, he didn’t manage to go all the way, either. Everything still points to you being the eventual winner of that particular competition. Actually, I’m not sure how you still haven’t-” 

“Fuck’s sake, it’s not a competition,” says Sirius, through gritted teeth. He’s somewhat relieved that Remus didn’t actually shag the Muggle girl, yes, but this is still proof that he _does_ fancy girls, and that he would never… unless, of course, it wasn’t _the girl_ who… 

“Poor Moony,” says James, dashing Sirius’ hopes in an instant. “Talk about a tease. She changed her mind at the very last second, said she was afraid he’d knock her up. He tried to talk her into-” 

“Ah,” interrupts Sirius, in a monotone. “Poor Moony, yes.” 

“He was not, er, best pleased over it, as you can imagine. In the end we actually…” 

James, annoyingly, trails off. 

“You actually _what_?” asks Sirius, his tone more brusque than he had intended. He can’t tell if James is being coy all of a sudden or if he’s merely entered the stage of drunkenness where finishing your sentences begins to feel like too much of a chore. 

James clears his throat, puts his glasses back on and doesn’t answer Sirius’ question. 

“It’s a bit late, isn’t it?” he says, making a big show of checking his watch. “Maybe we should…” 

“It’s Saturday, for fuck’s sake,” snaps Sirius. “What were you going to say?” 

James sighs. 

“All right, but promise you won’t tell Moony I told you, we agreed it was going to be a secr… all right, all right, I’ll tell you, but put down that wand, you’re scaring me.” 

“I thought I was your best mate,” says Sirius, somewhat lamely. Remus, yes, the bloke is a veritable bloody enigma, but he’d never imagined that _James_ , of all people, would keep things from him. The idea, he finds, stings worse than anything else he’s discovered so far. 

“Of course you are,” says James, alarmed. “This has nothing to do with… it’s just that it’s a bit embarrassing, so we thought it might be better if we…” 

“If you _what_?” 

James swallows, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his flushed neck. He attempts a grin. 

“Well,” he begins, without quite meeting Sirius’ gaze. “We had spent the whole evening with these girls, right? Snogging and everything. And it went nowhere. So we were both quite, ah, frustrated when we got back to my house. You can imagine the rest.” 

Sirius blinks. If James’ alleged big secret has to do with wanking he doesn’t see what exactly… 

James, still avoiding direct eye contact, raises his hand to prevent Sirius’ objection. 

“That’s not all, obviously. All right, I’m just going to tell you… we were sharing a room, because my mum’s cousins were staying over for a gardening thing my mum… well, it doesn’t matter why. We were sharing a room. So there we are, wanking, and…” 

“Wait,” interrupts Sirius, “right there in the room?” 

James shrugs. “Yeah,” he confirms. “The bathrooms were all occupied, because my mum’s cousins are _constantly_ in there taking baths and whatnot, and neither of us felt like waiting, so we just…” 

“Understandable,” allows Sirius, still completely in the dark about the point of James’ whole story. Wanking with one’s mates in the room is far from ideal, but it’s understood that sometimes it can’t be helped. On his part, he’s been very carefully avoiding doing anything like that ever since Remus became the main focus of his fantasies, but that would hardly be an issue for someone like Jame- 

“Sirius, promise you won’t tell,” urges James, in a strangely earnest tone. 

“I’m not sure what exactly is so terrible about having a wank in the same room as…” 

James’ hand — Sirius would bet a few Galleons on the fact that he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it — goes to ruffle the hair on the back of his head, until he looks like he’s just got off his broom. He shoots Sirius a tentative grin. 

“Well, that’s not _everything_ we did that night.” 

*** 

_Why him_ , thinks Sirius the following morning, watching James spread butter on his piece of toast. _Of all people, why_ him _, for fuck’s sake_. 

“Are you all right, mate?” asks James, thickly, through a mouthful of toast. “You look like hell.” 

Sirius spears a piece of sausage on his fork and doesn’t reply. Part of him wishes he knew the details — were they standing? Lying down? Who went first? Whose initiative was it? — but at the same time what little information he has seems to be burning a hole right through his stomach, and he’s quite sure that it would be incredibly uncomfortable to bring up the subject again now that James has sobered up. Or ever. 

James licks his lips to polish off all remaining traces of jam, and Sirius is struck by a vision of those same lips — thin, often cracked from flying — closing around Remus’ cock. 

_Why him_ , he thinks again, morosely, and then, _I will shag Evans, that’ll teach him. I will shag Evans if it’s the last thing I do. Let’s see how he likes that._

It’s not a serious plan, obviously. There are quite a few girls, younger and older, who have made it clear they’d be more than happy to help Sirius get his share of experience, but Lily Evans, specifically, is more likely to try and drown him in the lake than she is to do anything sexual with him. And even if she were… 

It’s not James’ fault if he went and did something unforgivable with Remus, Sirius has to admit, because Sirius never actually bothered to stake his claim, because he hardly thought it would be necessary, because James was always so _annoyingly vocal_ about the idea of girls, and yet here they are — James, who’s had his cock sucked by Remus, and Sirius, seething in silence. 

“Do you want to go down to the pitch?” asks James, in a conciliatory tone, after a couple of minutes. “We could try a few passes.” 

“No,” says Sirius. “I think I’ll go back to bed, actually.” 

*** 

James is not ugly, thinks Sirius, trying to objectively evaluate his best mate’s attractiveness as the latter wanders their room in his underwear looking for his missing glasses (hidden by Sirius while he was in the bathtub, as a private act of revenge). His nose is on the longer side, and he could stand to have nicer skin, but he’s not bad-looking, if one likes the slightly scrawny type. 

Which, it turns out, Remus does. Sirius stares at the ceiling, trying very hard not to picture... 

“How was it?” he blurts out, unable to restrain himself. 

James turns around, startled. 

“I thought you were asleep,” he says, squinting in Sirius’ direction. “Say, have you seen my glasses? I thought I left them on my night stand, but they’re not…” 

“They’re under Peter’s pillow,” offers Sirius, wearily. A flick of his wand moves the heavy curtains aside and sunlight floods the room. He uses his free hand to shield his eyes. 

“Here they are!” confirms James, without questioning the source of Sirius’ knowledge. “Cheers, mate. Right. You were saying?” 

“With Moony,” mutters Sirius. “When you two…” 

“Oh,” says James, surprised. “Well, it was… nice, I suppose. Strange. Exciting. You know how it is when someone else…” 

“No,” says Sirius, darkly. “I don’t know how it is _when someone else_ , James.” 

“Right,” says James. “I keep forgetting, because you’re so…” 

“What?” 

“Well, I mean, fit,” says James, biting the corner of his thumb nail. “Birds fancy you, you’d have your pick.” 

Sirius rolls his eyes. 

“You’re pretty thick sometimes, aren’t you?” he says, more harshly than he had intended. “You keep going on about girls. I’m aware that girls like me, thank you. That’s not my point.” 

“What do you mean that’s not… _oh_ ,” says James, his eyes going very wide behind his smudged lenses. “Well, Sirius, I never knew that you only… I never thought… well, that explains a lot, doesn’t it?” 

“Hmm,” agrees Sirius, picking at the skin of his fingernails. 

A pause, and then James clears his throat. 

“Do you… do you want to try it?” he asks, his voice a full octave lower than it was moments before. “I’d be glad to, if you want to, you know.” 

Sirius, bewildered, looks up to find James leaning against one of his bed posts. It takes him a couple of seconds to work out what exactly he’s proposing they do. 

“Fuck’s sake, James, _no_. No offence, but have you gone mad?” 

James’ grin fades away. 

"Well, I figured – if you like blokes, and seeing as I _am_ a bloke..." 

“Yeah, but you’re like… you’re like a brother to me, I could never,” says Sirius, with a grimace. It’s true — he’d just as soon get it on with James as he would with bloody Regulus. “Merlin, no.” 

“Oh, OK, never mind, then,” says James, perhaps a tad miffed by Sirius’ rejection. “I figured I’d ask, and then maybe you’d stop being so bloody weird about the whole thing. It’s not my fault you missed out, you know?” 

“Fuck off,” mutters Sirius, pointedly looking away. The idea of having to spell things out for James, who usually understands him without the need for words, is infuriating. They’ve never had to actually _talk_ about Evans, after all, have they? It seems to him that it should be just as obvious to James that he fancies Remus as it was to him that James was pining after her, even before James himself fully realized what was happening. “Leave me alone.” 

“Suit yourself,” hisses James, and he grabs a pair of trousers and a shirt at random. “Prick.” 

*** 

“All right, what’s the matter with you lot?” asks Remus, left arm in a sling, his bleary eyes moving from Sirius to James and then back to Sirius again. “You’re both suspiciously quiet. Where’s Peter?” 

“Infirmary,” says James, without looking up from his Quidditch almanac. “He’s got flu.” 

“Poor sod,” says Remus, wincing as he makes his way to his bed. “What did you do all weekend? Any progress on the map?” 

“No,” says James, curtly. 

“Can’t say it surprises me, I always knew you were useless without… oh, for goodness’ sake, this is ridiculous. What happened? Sirius?” 

Sirius looks up from his book, with the same sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach as he had earlier at the breakfast table. He knows the way he’s acting is not fair to Remus, but it feels like he can’t talk to him without picturing him with his hands up some girl’s skirt, or even worse — with James. 

Bloody James. 

“Nothing,” he says, avoiding Remus’ skeptical gaze. James fakes a cough. Remus scoffs. 

“Arseholes,” he mutters, and he rips shut the curtains of his bed. 

*** 

“SIRIUS!” 

Sirius, heart pounding and throat dry and raw, opens his eyes to find James’ concerned face hovering over him. Confused, he turns his head away from the bright early morning light. 

“What the…” 

“You were screaming,” explains James. “Is everything…?” 

“Yeah,” croaks Sirius, hauling himself up to a sitting position. He was having his usual nightmare, the one where he’s stuck in a dark room as the walls close in. The screaming is new, though, as far as he knows. How embarrassing. James still looks vaguely shaken. “Thanks, er, for waking me up.” 

James shrugs. 

“Listen,” he says, turning to face the window. “About last night…” 

Sirius makes a face. He’d sort of hoped that James would not bring up the subject again. 

“Where’s Moony?” he interrupts. “Off being all charitable to Peter?” 

James snorts. 

“Yes, actually. He wanted to visit before breakfast and bring him his Charms things, just in case Pete feels like putting in an extra bit of effort to improve on that promising ‘T’ he got last year.” 

“Typical,” says Sirius, grinning in endearment. 

“You know how seriously he takes his Prefect duties,” quips James. Sirius laughs — he’s only had the badge for a few weeks, but Remus is shaping up to be a _terrible_ Prefect. Not that they’re helping. “Pretty sure he’s shooting for Head Boy.” 

“Sounds likely,” says Sirius. “It’s either you or him, I reckon. Both strong candidates. Or Peeves, why not.” 

James turns back around. He’s grinning too. 

“Breakfast?” he suggests. Now that the ice is broken, Sirius is glad to notice, James seems just as eager to put the previous day’s argument behind them as he is. He decides to make a conscious effort not to let jealousy spill over and ruin their tentative truce. It’s not easy. 

“Sure,” he agrees. “And if we’re lucky, we’ll run into the saintly Moony as he returns from his educational mission. I have a feeling he might be persuaded to take a few points from Slytherin on our way to Slughorn’s dungeon.” 

*** 

“Er, would one of you mind?” says Remus, gesturing unhappily towards his Sopophorous beans. “I can’t quite… with my right hand.” 

Sirius winces in sympathy. Remus, understandably, hates having to ask for their help. 

“Sure,” says James, breezily. “Give it here. At least, given my outstanding mincing abilities, there’s a risk you might get a decent Potion grade for once — right, Sirius?” 

“True,” says Sirius, caught off-guard, and he quickly readjusts his features into a more appropriate look of benign mockery. “Honestly, Moony, I’m beginning to wonder if your whole, ah, situation isn’t just a clever ruse to profit from our superior potion-making skills.” 

Remus grins and goes back to stirring the contents of his cauldron with his non-wand hand. It takes a lot of willpower on Sirius’ part to restrain from offering his help, from making sure that his injured arm isn’t hurting too badly, from… 

On the other side of Remus, half-hidden behind his foggy glasses, James’ eyes have gone very wide all of a sudden. 

_He knows_ , realizes Sirius with a jolt. The idea, he finds, fills him a peculiar mixture of excitement and dread. 

*** 

“Since _when_?” asks James, shutting the cupboard door behind himself. He sounds rather shocked. “Did you have any intention of telling me?” 

“ _Lumos_!” says Sirius, mainly to buy some time. By the light of his wand, James looks almost comically outraged. He represses a grin. 

“Well?” insists James. 

Sirius shrugs. 

“What difference does it make?” 

“It makes all the difference in the world! I would never have… if I knew that you bloody _fancied_ him.” 

“I don’t _fancy_ him,” protests Sirius, automatically. “I just… all right, yes, I do fancy him, I suppose. Are we quite done?” 

“No, we’re not done, I’m bloody well going to need a list of all the people you’re going to go berserk over, so I can make sure to stay the hell away from them.” 

“There isn’t _a list_ ,” says Sirius, with a scoff. James groans. 

“You’re going to duel me, aren’t you? I know I’d want to duel you if you’d done the sort of things…” 

Sirius grimaces. 

“Fuck’s sake, mate,” he says, his imagination once again flooded with unwelcomed depictions of James and Remus’ summer adventure. “You’re really, really not helping your case here.” 

“Right,” says James, in a cautious tone that Sirius finds highly alarming. “Sorry.” 

*** 

“Goodness,” says Peter, neck splotchy, loosening his tie. “She’s something, isn’t she?” 

“Yeah,” agrees Sirius, without taking his eyes off McKinnon’s speeding form. “That feint was a work of art, truly.” 

“I’m not sure Pete was strictly talking about Marlene’s Quidditch prowess, Sirius,” says Remus with a hint of a smirk. Peter snorts. 

“Can you blame me? She’s _fit_.” 

“Never said I disagreed,” says Remus. “Look, James has the Quaffle, let’s hope he… aw, bugger. The Ravenclaw Keeper is really good, isn’t she?” 

Sirius nods mechanically. 

“Pretty solid,” he says, trying and failing to block out Remus’ other comment. Most Gryffindor boys fancy Marlene McKinnon to a degree — she’s their best Seeker in ages, for one thing. He wonders morosely if the girl Remus went out with the previous summer resembled her. 

“A sixth-year tried asking her out a couple of weeks ago,” says Peter. “Sad spectacle, really. I think he went and drowned himself in the lake afterwards.” 

Remus laughs. 

“I bet,” he says, “James says she’s downright scary.” 

“Wait, are we trusting James’ opinions on birds now?” jokes Peter. Sirius resists the temptation to jinx the simpering grin off his pointy face. Remus hums and goes back to watching the game. 

*** 

The plan — fully formed — pops into Sirius’ head while he’s busy sulking by the common room fire later that evening. He glances across the room at Remus, who’s playing Exploding Snaps with James while a breathless Peter looks on, and realizes with a sigh that his mind is already made up. 

“All right?” he says, walking up to Marlene and her friend. 

“Hi,” says the friend, encouragingly. Marlene remains impassive. 

“Nice game, Marlene,” says Sirius, leaning against the armchair she’s sitting in. Marlene gives him a look. Sirius straightens back up. “You, er, flew really well.” 

“Thanks,” says Marlene. Her friend is beaming. 

Sirius clears his throat. 

“Listen, I was wondering… how about we go to Hogsmeade together next Saturday?” 

Marlene’s bored expression wanes. 

“Are you asking me out, Black?” she inquires, in a tone of great amusement. Her friend looks delighted. Sirius shrugs. 

“If you don’t have anything more exciting to do,” he says, shooting her what he hopes is a charming grin. “I’ll bring a mate for you, of course,” he adds, addressing Marlene’s friend. 

“Who, Potter?” 

“No, Remus,” says Sirius, resolutely. Marlene’s friend looks a bit disappointed. 

“Which one is Remus? Not the really short one, I hope.” 

“The other one,” says Sirius, as casually as he can manage. “Er, brown hair, about as tall as...” 

Marlene stifles a yawn. 

“What do you think, Mary? Are we going to go out with a couple of fifth-years?” 

Mary looks Sirius up and down, a pensive look on her heart-shaped face. 

“Beats staying in and working on our Transfiguration essays, I suppose.” 

“Well, that’s settled, then,” says Marlene, clapping her hands together. “See you Saturday, Black. Now go back to your little mates, they look worried.” 

*** 

“I’m confused,” says James. “Did you really just — successfully, from the look of it — ask Marlene McKinnon out on a date?” 

“Yeah,” says Sirius, with a calculated shrug. “Moony, her pal wants you to come along, are you free on Saturday?” 

Remus blinks slowly. 

“Sure,” he says eventually. He doesn’t exactly look thrilled, which Sirius secretly appreciates. 

“Does it _have_ to be him?” inquires Peter. “Because I’m pretty sure I am much more free than he is.” 

“She specifically mentioned Moony,” lies Sirius repressively. “Right, so Saturday it is.” 

*** 

“I’m confused,” says James, a few hours later, as he and Sirius creep through a promising but rather low-ceilinged secret passage. “Did you _really_ ask Marlene out on a date? Why?” 

“Well,” says Sirius. “I figured that if Moony and I manage to spend an, er, unproductive enough afternoon out with a couple of girls, then maybe we could… afterwards…” 

James stops dead in his tracks. 

“Mate…” he begins, grimacing slightly. 

“What?” 

“I mean, don’t you think this could backfire? What if Moony and Marlene’s friend hit if off?” 

“They won’t, don’t worry,” says Sirius. “I think she actually sort of had her eye on you.” 

“Wait, what? _Really_?” 

“Yeah,” says Sirius, grinning at James’ flattered look. “Now c’mon, we still have three other passages to check before dawn.” 

*** 

“Boy, that was certainly frustrating, wasn’t it?” says Sirius, as they walk to the edge of the village after saying goodbye to Marlene and her friend. He’s fully aware of the fact that this is his one chance to do… _something_ with Remus, and equally fully determined not to let it go to waste. “They really led us on. Left us high and dry.” 

Remus stops walking. 

“Did… did they?” he asks, turning to face Sirius with a rather puzzled look on his handsome face. “I mean, most of the afternoon was Marlene refusing to entertain your Quidditch questions, I didn’t think you’d…” 

“Great tits on Marlene’s pal,” interrupts Sirius, desperate. “Very, er, round.” 

Remus looks bewildered. 

“Yes,” he agrees, slowly. “Sirius, listen…” 

“And Marlene, well. She’s really something. Actually, listen,” says Sirius, talking very fast, “what do you say we nip behind a tree or something for a quick, er, wank?” 

Remus blinks twice. 

“What?” he says, eventually. He sounds genuinely confused. Sirius’ heart sinks. 

“A wank,” he repeats, in the hope of sounding casual and appealing. “Before, you know, going back to the castle.” 

“Is this a joke I’m not getting?” 

“What? No!” 

An awkward pause. Sirius wishes very hard that he knew how to Disapparate. 

“Well, all right, then,” says Remus, with a shrug. “Let’s go.” 

“Really?” says Sirius, incredulous. “Are you sure?” 

“Yeah,” says Remus, a strange glint in his beautiful eyes. “Are _you_?” 

“Of course!” says Sirius, his knees quite wobbly all of a sudden. It occurs to him that there are several aspects of his plan that could potentially lead to disastrous embarrassment, chief among them the fact that all the blood in his body seems to be currently headed towards his face. He thinks fleetingly of James, who made the whole thing sound about as easy as getting a rise out of Snape. He wonders what is going through Remus’ mind — not James, hopefully. Nor Snape. 

“Sirius,” says Remus, suddenly, startling Sirius. “Listen, do you really like Marlene?” 

“She’s, well, she’s an excellent flier.” 

Remus smiles faintly. 

“Yeah, but do you fancy her?” 

Sirius considers his options. 

“No,” he admits, without quite meeting Remus’ gaze. “She’s very pretty, but I don’t really… you know — with _girls_ — I don’t think I...” 

Remus’ smile grows wider. 

“I thought so,” he says, and he sounds rather pleased. 

Sirius looks up, shocked. “Did you?” 

“Yeah, well — the same goes for me, actually.” 

“What? _Really_? But what about that girl you met last summer, then, James told me you…” 

Remus goes bright red. 

“I didn’t think James would tell you about her,” he says, in a tone that quite irritates Sirius. 

“Well, you see, he’s my best mate,” says Sirius, coolly. “ _He_ doesn’t keep secrets from me.” 

“It’s not a secret,” says Remus, in a conciliatory tone. “It’s just… you know, it didn’t seem relevant.” 

“Seems quite relevant to me, actually. Especially because it goes against everything you were just saying.” 

Remus exhales sharply. 

“No, it doesn’t,” he promises. “I like both. Well, I like girls, and I like… you, I suppose. Quite a lot.” 

“But what about James?” blurts out Sirius, unable to stop himself. “Seems to me like you quite like him, too.” 

“What about _James_?” repeats Remus, baffled. “I’m not sure I…” 

“He told me everything!” 

“Sirius, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

“I wouldn’t even care!” says Sirius, lying through his teeth, “But I don’t understand why you’d lie to me about something… something like _this _!”__

__“I’m really not following you.”_ _

__“You let him suck you off,” hisses Sirius, “and there’s no point denying it. He’s told me everything.”_ _

__Remus gapes at Sirius._ _

__“He told you what exactly? That never happened!”_ _

__Remus is secretive enough, but he’s never been particularly skilled when it comes to outright lying. Sirius is confronted with the sudden and rather unexpected possibility that he might be telling the truth. He tries not to let this fact get in the way of his irritation._ _

__“After you got back from your date with the girls from the village, last summer. He said you decided to have a wank together and then he-”_ _

__“Wait, so _this_ is were you got the idea!” interrupts Remus. “I had been wondering…” _ _

__“That is not the point,” says Sirius, glaring at him. “The point is you let James-”_ _

__“Sirius, listen, we never did anything,” says Remus, his tone infuriatingly believable. “I can’t wrap my mind around the fact that James would make up a story like that, I never even knew that he… I thought he fancied Lily Evans!”_ _

__“He does,” confirms Sirius grimly. “And, clearly, he fancies you as well.”_ _

__Remus runs his fingers through his hair._ _

__“It’s just… I don’t even see how that would work, you know?” he says, after a while. “He tells you that story about me, and then? How does that benefit him?”_ _

__“Maybe he wanted to stake his claim!”_ _

__“That doesn’t really sound like something James would do,” points out Remus, not unreasonably. “Not to you, especially.”_ _

__“Well, he was drunk when we first talked about it. But we discussed it again when he was sober, and he stuck to his story,” says Sirius, preventing Remus’ objection. “He even offered to… well, to try it again. With me.”_ _

__“He did _what_? Here? When?” _ _

__“While you were away for the full moon. He said we could try and then maybe I would stop being so weird about the whole thing. He actually took offence when I said no, go figure.”_ _

__Remus looks like he’s struggling to keep a straight face._ _

__“Sirius…” he begins, in a controlled voice. “Sirius, have you considered the fact that _maybe_ James was simply, you know, coming on to you?” _ _

__“What? No, he would never… he said he was only trying to be fair, it wasn’t like-”_ _

__“Sirius, he _was_ coming on to you,” insists Remus, a grin slipping through the cracks of his composure. “And frankly, mate, it’s hard to blame him for trying.” _ _

__

__***_ _

__

__“So?” says James, later that afternoon, dragging Sirius bodily inside a deserted classroom. “Did your plan work?”_ _

__“Why didn’t you just _ask_?” _ _

__“What?”_ _

__“There was no need to make up weird stories about Moony, you great pillock,” says Sirius, giving James’ arm a friendly punch. “You could have just come out and asked if I wanted to suck you off, and saved everyone a lot of time and confusion. The poor bloke was flabbergasted when I mentioned it.”_ _

__James has the decency to look embarrassed._ _

__“I didn’t have my mind set on it or anything,” he explains. “I just thought it’d be fun to give it a try. I reckoned that maybe if you thought that Moony had already… well, all right, it’s mainly that I was pissed.”_ _

__“You were,” agrees Sirius, grinning. “So, do I take it you’re not going to throw yourself off the Astronomy Tower out of jealousy?”_ _

__James snorts._ _

__“I could possibly be persuaded to throw myself off a ground-floor window ledge,” he offers, with a flourish. “In case you needed an ego boost. Now c’mon, tell me — how was your afternoon with our esteemed Prefect? Did you… ?”_ _

__Sirius pretends to be pondering the question._ _

__“I’m not sure I should give you the details,” he teases. “I’d hate to be responsible for your next bout of mythomania.”_ _

__“Wait, it worked? The wanking proposition? It actually worked? I can’t believe it,” says James, thrilled. “I’m a seduction genius, aren’t I? A daring plan, but an effective one. I should try the technique on Evans.”_ _

__Sirius bursts into laughter._ _

__“Good idea,” he says, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes. “Please tell me beforehand, I’d like to get a betting pool going — my money is on outright disembowelment, but you never know. Evans is nothing if not creative when it comes to jinxes.”_ _

__“Prick,” says James, very affectionately, and they head down to dinner._ _

**Author's Note:**

> Happy [early, at your specific request] Birthday, Ed! <3
> 
> (Many many thanks to Arya and Gloom for outstanding beta-ing and general encouragement, you guys have spoiled me forever)


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